*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa