Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

*seductively eats two tums*

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.