Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

My sex drive has a dui

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead