*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
ibopfufen
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”