Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

old twitter is back baby

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea