[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
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say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Wow 🤣
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof