Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Children of the Corn Man

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”