Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Big Sex has us all fooled

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

“Are you submissive? 😏”

No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.