Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.