robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
where the womens at?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again