robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
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the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I feel it
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you