Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.