[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
#Caturday
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school