Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for the Charmin

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Mouse

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

[heaven]

ME: so about those footprints…

GOD: footprints?

ME: from when you carried me

GOD: wasn’t me

ME: well then who—

GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.