[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
logging onto twitter…
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
LOL
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan