[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.