[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.