[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.