Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person