[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.