Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You Might Also Like
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
$4 #usedbooks
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
no cat here
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.