Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
BETRAYAL
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much