Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business