Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*