*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Fries, not lies.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.