[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
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Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE