Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…

That I do not possess, apparently.

you’re so productive for your wage

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)

Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners

Mum: You mean negotiations?

Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …