[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Phones down.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper