[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers