[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else