Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crying

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

My hips? Compulsive liars.

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Fidel Castro was alive?

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.

A pipe burst.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.