[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
You Might Also Like
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s