Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.