[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Good morning ☺️
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Guantanamo Bae
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.