[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.