[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
We’ve all been there…
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.