Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.