Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

Me: You ate radishes.

Friend: How can you tell?

Me: You’re burping them.

F: They were really good radishes.

Me: Not from where I’m standing.

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!