“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
You Might Also Like
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
decorating my apartment
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?