Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You Might Also Like
what’s in a name?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Why I divorced her.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought