Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You Might Also Like
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
When the stylist spins you back around
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.