Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.