Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again