robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING