robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.