Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

PARKOUR

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.