[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
There is no “we” in pizza
Uh oh…
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
