Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here