Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

I think about this a lot

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Lmao

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

in the ocean

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.