Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
feetloaf
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.