Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
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A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no