Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
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I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough