robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful

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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.


My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’


dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?


Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one


Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.


wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?


Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.