Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
One venti cheeseburger please.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*orders delivery*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”