Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.