Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem