Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
i just found this in my phone
