Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

I see your IQ test came back negative

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.