Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
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harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.