Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.