Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

August 8

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*