Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.