Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
this is how life feels
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.