Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

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You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts


I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you


God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings


Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.


The best thing about the Pluto image from NASA is the silhouette of Pluto the dog right on it.


That was your first time water skiing?
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*


Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label


“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”


If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.