Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.