Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.