Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear