ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook