“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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Living the best life.. 😊
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?