Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Thursday Thought.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?