Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

dead inside

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit