Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Can’t. Being lazy.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years