Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

LOL

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.